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Forgive yourself

I do not know if I am experiencing 'cabin fever' but today was a particularly rough day for me. This stay at home life because of the COVID-19 pandemic has caused me to do even more reflection than the norm. I mean I have more 'free' time than usual. It seems that my thoughts have gone into overdrive. As I lay here facing the silence, I am forced to face the music. To hear all of the negative voices within me, and to once and for all, silence them.

As I ponder this I try to put it all into perspective.  I think about how hard I have been on myself. I have been so critical of myself and I am always thinking about how I could have done something better, been better or looked better. I am always trying to attain perfection and always fall short in my mind.  It has always been easy to say that perfection is an illusion and that none of us are perfect but my actions has demonstrated something totally different. So much so that it has proven difficult to accept words of praise because affirmations was not something I grew up with. It was a struggle to live up to the expectations of others and of God because I knew that so much was expected of me. So on the rare occasions I received words of affirmations I just took them and immediately began thinking of the next task or how I could have improved. I never took time to relish in my accomplishments and where I was on the journey. I mean if I was not a willing and capable vessel the outcome could have been so much different. 

 So you can just imagine the many occasions when I did fail how hard I was on myself and to some extent still am. It is so hard to come out of the slump of disappointment and regret on those days when I am less than perfect which is literally everyday. There is no day when there is not something that I can work on. I never looked at being a work in progress as something to be happy about. I never looked at progress as a blessing because it was not perfection. The bible tells me however that perfection can only be attributed to God. So all God requires really is progression. That I keep striving to be more like him and that even in those moments when I fall short that I don't stop. The race is not for the swift but for those who can endure to the end. 

 All I hear is forgive yourself. Forgive myself for the times when I felt short and also for the times when I did not celebrate the many wins in my life. I am may not be where I want to be but I have never given up on life or God. I have been resilient through it all in spite of the many obstacles. God has been gracious to me and when I fail to recognise His goodness in and through me it is a slap in His face. Where I am is not a direct result of what I did or did not do but it was the journey God mapped out just for me. My mistakes and failures has not discredited me from God's blessings and perfection will not make Him love me any more.

 #Forgiveyourself #Dahlia_Writes 

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